Kids take a toll on a marriage. They do. No denying this fact. We all have friends that talk about how wonderful their marriage is and how the kids made them stronger and more happy and I say quietly in my head “Yeah right.” Not they didn’t. Sure, your children may have strengthened a bond between you, of course. But then when it’s 2am and a child is scream crying because they have a cold and your husband didn’t put the medicine back in the medicine cabinet and you are forced to search the house because it is missing, don’t try and tell me your tone of voice you use with him is the same one you used before kids arrived. This new tone of voice coming from your body is hard core, demeaning, annoyed, cutting at times depending on the situation, and very ugly. Personally, you hate that your voice sounds like this and the words coming out are what they are, but hey, you are flippin’ tired as hell and your husband doesn’t do what in your mind are the easiest tasks to keep things in life straight forward and simple. I’m projecting. This is our situation and I’m sure some women have husbands who do the voice, but from what I hear it comes mostly from the mommy’s mouth because we are, after all, always right.
And this is the beginning. Then you take into account that you both have 500 more chores now with a baby around, less energy, less sleep, and of course way less sex. If you don’t have less sex, let’s face it. The sex you are having is more on a “let’s have sex” quickie style and then move on. The days seem to be over where your sex drive is thriving and it all seemed so much easier and more natural. It becomes the dreaded……..clockwork.
What inevitably happens now, without this connection, without the sex, without the loving words, is resentment. Anger. Frustration. Disconnect. And then that awful tone in your voice starts happening all the time.
So yes, this can be sad. This can take over. This can ruin or even end a marriage. But instead of sitting around thinking about how unhappy you are, maybe try a few positive things to help restore your love and connection. We all, myself included, find it easier to truck along and let the negative sides creep in without facing them straight on right away. The longer we wait and settle in, the harder it will be to dig out. This hole of resentment can get pretty deep if we let it. So let’s dig people.