Things no one tells you about labor…..and after

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Are you ready for this? Or maybe you have already had kids and have gone through this. Either way, not one mommy would disagree with these cold hard facts about during and after labor. Here is what you are in store for.

1. No matter how much you prepare and how many cute colored bold fonted words you express onto paper in your perfect birth plan, labor is a war zone. You will never be able to predict exactly what kind of labor you will have, and almost always you will be sent back to medieval times when we were at our most primal forms of mankind. One minute you are finishing off your In-N-Out burger and basking in the sun as a respectable member of society, the next you are making low grunting tones and stomping around looking for a way to get to the damn hospital.

Suddenly you are rendered without speech (besides the grunts and howls) and can only mutter maybe a 2 words (usually profane ones) for the next 7 to 36 hours. You can’t tell anyone what you want or need, you poop anywhere and everywhere (usually without even knowing it), your In-N-Out lunch ends up being regurgitated into a bedpan, and your husband is about to get a crash course into every bodily function the female body has ever been capable of. All the farting you have hidden from him, all the poops you wisely masked in the downstairs bathroom while he lay in bed clueless, all the body bronze you use to make your skin look flawless, the mascara, the panties, the entire female package that he has been served his whole life, gone. Erased. This is the real deal and he is sitting front row. We have gone completely primal. Wild animal in the woods primal. And there is no way around this process but to embrace it and know that yes all these things will happen and yes there will be an audience to see it happen. Everything about you will be exposed and you have to let go and be okay with that. Hold your head high, even if you are striking 15 undocumented yoga poses every time a contraction hits. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

2. After labor you will get some serious shakes. In fact, if you ever wanted to learn to Krunk and never got around to it, you will never need a lesson because your body will naturally be Krunking as soon as the baby comes out. It’s a straight up twerking party and you are the star.

3. Baby is out, you are happily in the room resting and learning about each other. All is well, except for your butt. Your butt is not well. It’s afraid. I remember after my first baby the nurses came in and said “Now don’t you be afraid to poop. Lots of moms are and you need to let yourself, okay?” I was like, um……why would I be afraid to poop? No problem there, I will happily poop when I need to. Until I needed to poop, that’s when I realized that my precious nether region felt as though the baby had been born from there instead. It was afraid as hell, just as nurses had warned. Who would have thought??

4. When you get home, your breasts will take on there own life form and live independently from your body. They will be huge, swollen, lumpy, hard, possible squirting people and out of control. Top that with a baby using them as a personal open bar and it’s a recipe for PAIN. PAIN ALL AROUND. Your poor nipples will feel like lightening is shooting through them each time baby feeds like his mouth is made from Kryptonite, it’s going to be bad and it will probably lead to a case of ugly crying several times a day on your part.

5. Buy stock in dry shampoo, you will not get a good hair wash for a while. By my second child I went out a week before the due date and got 5 cans of the stuff, gotta stock up so I didn’t look like a greasy raving lunatic. I would just look like a non greasy raving lunatic.

6. Unless you laser you will transform into a hairy Sasquatch. I mean, taking a shower after having kids leaves you somewhere between 3 and 42 seconds to wash, leaving most of the maintenance duties out. So you will be a hairy beast for a while. Shaving is for weekends, when you can dump all this crap on your husband and relax for a few minutes.

7. Fights. Damn will you fight. Your husband and yourself are dealing with some serious s**t. Like I said, it’s a war zone and you have to stick together to make it through. Amidst the chaos, you are both feeling what torture in the form of sleep deprivation really is, and a lot of the time you will straight up turn on each other. Your household chore list also just went from 20 tasks to 1,507 tasks….. daily. So yeah, if you aren’t fighting then maybe you should check to make sure you are married to a real person and not some kind of reptilian swamp thing from outer space. Because a real person is going to flip their s**t.

8. It will get better. Newborn-ville is go time. With your first it’s about adjusting to a new life where your previous experience with free time has suddenly been erased, and there is a mourning period to that. Mixed with no sleep. With your second, you are adjusted to having no free time, but you again find yourself awake all night and this time you have a toddler who is nice enough to take away any chance you have for a nap while baby sleeps. So again, brutal. But then, when you break through the first 6 months or so, you find you made it through the thick of it and start to really enjoy the process. Almost as though you must be broken into a shell of a person to really make it through.

Obviously I have seen these parents that make it all look easy, and maybe it is for them. Doubtful, but maybe. I do think to myself that this type of job is for someone much younger than someone in their mid 30’s. My 22 year old self would have had much less trouble with this no sleep/heavy work load type of thing. My 30’s self likes her relaxing time. But I look at my little ones and it’s a no brainer. So worth it.


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